This article is being published in the Journal of the Conference for Global Transformation 2014
What is it to listen for connection?
To me, listening as contribution allows something new to be said or heard in the listening, new actions become available and people are moved and inspired to action. An area of listening I am honing is listening for connection.
What is it to listen for connection? When I listen for connection, I listen to what is being said, I listen for the emotion or feeling, and I listen for the commitment. It takes being completely present with another person and completely in the moment. At the same time, I am present to previous conversations and commitments shared by that person, or other areas of life where a similar commitment may have been expressed. I listen from the unknown, and I listen for what’s missing. I look at the whole, and look for the holes. In that clearing, new connections arise.
Connections show up in multiple ways. Sometimes I connect what someone is saying to what that person is not saying – bringing in the awareness of the feelings or the commitment. Sometimes I make connections between subjects that may appear to be unconnected, such as quantum physics and the state of the environment. Sometimes I connect people to each other. It shows up in other ways as well, and is limitless for me.
The irony in this is my strong suits do not support listening for connection. “I am right.” “I keep the peace.” and “I am self-sufficient.” do not create the space for true connection. It takes practice and presence for me to be aware of my strong suits and use them in support of connection.
Here are some of the practices I use:
When I want to listen for connection and I feel my reactions (e.g., getting angry, wanting to agree or disagree, a knot in my stomach) and my desire to be right or to jump into the conversation with a solution emerge, I literally bite my tongue, cover my mouth, hold my lips together, or put the phone on mute. Once I catch it, I can then bring myself back to listening. If I let being right take over, then I begin lecturing and all listening disappears.
When conflict arises, the peacemaker in me wants to jump in and smooth things over. For example, I want to say something like, “He didn’t really mean that.” “It will all work out.” or “Have you considered her perspective?” Here, my practice is one of inquiry. When I find myself wanting to placate, I practice turning that placation into a question and bring my presence back to the listening.
I know self-sufficiency has shown up when I stop listening and want to get into action immediately, even when it is not time for action. I kick into doing it myself or stating solutions that are not asked for (fixing someone else’s “problem”.) When this arises, I remind myself that we are all connected. I create that as my mantra, and I ground myself in connection. That practice of creating a mantra based on what I am listening for brings me immediately into the present.
And when in doubt, I bring play and humor. For example, when I have gone into being right and I catch myself mid-stream, I will say something like, “Of course, we all know I have all the answers.” or “And I am making all of this up right now!” It brings some levity to the conversation and allows me to restore my listening.
Listening for connection requires me to be aware of what is going on in multiple areas of life to listen for opportunities. Experiments I have taken on to expand my listening and look for constraints include intentionally reading about, talking about and listening to conversations on diverse topics, and especially those on which I have a strong, opposing opinion. A few of these topics for me include abortion, sustainable living, and alternative energy generation. To paraphrase Jerry Fishman, no one can expand or transform something in my listening that I am unwilling to transform myself. I want to be a space in which anything can be said, anything can be heard, and anything can be transformed. Therefore I look for and listen for those topics that bring up reactions in me, and then I do the work to transform them (get into dialogue, find the young conversations, collage, etc.)
What I find effective in listening to others with whom I disagree is to bring inquiry and curiosity. Again, come from the unknown. If I can get really interested in how someone formed his or her opinion and listen for the commitment, I often find something new opens up, and I often find a commonality in the commitment or want, though the potential solutions may differ. I have also stopped allowing my body sensations to dictate my conversations. When someone disagrees with me, or I with them, my heart rate increases and I get the sensation of “butterflies in my stomach.” I am learning to identify those as simply body sensations, and even use them as indicators to go into inquiry and curiosity. I let go of being right and come from the unknown. This is a key aspect of listening as contribution for me – putting nothing in the space. Also, listening for shifts in being; when I listen to someone as a fixed entity, no true contribution is possible.
I created a promise for the world at the 2013 Conference for Global Transformation. My promise is by 2050, all human beings live from the context “we are all connected to each other and to the planet.” This promise for the world, this commitment, grounds me and grounds my listening. When I find myself disempowered, scared to approach someone, or unwilling to have a conversation, I remember my promise. I am then present to listen for connections. And it can happen instantaneously. I have the power to alter my occurring world with four words: we are all connected. That is far more important to me than being right, being safe, or being separate.
Are there still areas where I will not engage with this listening? Absolutely. Strong opinions, young conversations, a history of difficult communication – those do stop me from contributing. An area I am currently working on is my young conversations regarding masculinity and femininity. I have opinions about what it “is” to be masculine and what it “is” to be feminine. When I “already know,” as in this case, I close my listening to the inquiry. However, if my promise is truly for the world, then nothing and no one is excluded. My own exclusions and unwillingness to engage limits my impact with those people, those areas of life, and therefore, my ability to truly be connected.
Even in those areas in which I am limited, I can share my listening to empower others to listen for connections. I use a visual model to map out connections I hear in another’s speaking. This “map” leaves someone with a structure, a way to see the broader picture, and make choices for taking action. Even when I cannot have the conversation, I empower others by sharing my techniques, which they can then take into their conversations.
One aspect I love about listening for connections is that new ideas arise continuously. As I listen, ask questions, and provide insights into possible connections, new actions become clear. This creates the space for creativity. Connections in and of themselves are new pathways, either between ideas/concepts/projects, or between people. When I point out the connections I hear, people begin to see them as well, and they start saying something new.
I have brought this listening to a team as they developed a new mechanical system as a test product for their company. Before working with me, each group within the team had its own design, its own risk areas defined, and its own schedules. I brought the team together and as team members talked about their individual project areas, I listened for connections among the parts and pointed them out. I asked questions such as, “What does Group A need from Group B to ensure success at each stage of the project? And what does Group B need from Group A?” This is particularly poignant with groups that are not typically assumed to be associated. Those types of questions opened up new conversations and allowed the team to be more productive from the start of the project. We also looked at external influences, such as national politics, and listened for potential interactions, both positive and negative, that the team had not considered before. The results of listening for connection in this case were a stronger team, improved communication among the team, a redesign prior to implementation of the project, and now a successful launch of the product on the market.
Listening for connections has another impact: everyone has a chance to be heard. When everyone involved in a conversation has a chance to be heard, whether it be among friends, family, a company, policy makers, scholars, or any other type of interaction, new opportunities arise and points of view that may not have been considered otherwise are added to the network.
A crucial aspect of listening in this way is letting go of blame. When something has not worked out as we planned, hoped or expected, as human beings we tend to blame – others, ourselves, the circumstances. We also go into making things right or wrong. Listening from a space of reality, from a space of what is so, without blame, shame or fame, allows a new space for creation. Listening for connection can also provide a pathway for others to let go of blame. By listening for the connection between what is being said now and a young conversation or a cultural cliché, the space for upgrades and completion may arise.
The conversations for blame, right and wrong, domination and control are embedded in conversations on the state of the world. Since August 2012, I have been bringing the space of “All is well.” and “Nothing is wrong here.” to conversations on the state of the world. As people begin to engage in this way, as I bring inquiry and curiosity, as I listen for connections and share them, others begin to hear and see that something else may be possible. It takes courage to speak up and say “All is well.” in the face of “Something is definitely wrong here.” and it takes courage to remember that others are not responding to me. And when I bring compassion to my listening, people can be heard and then begin listening for what’s possible.
How do I know when it is time to listen newly, to listen again from what’s possible, to see my own closed-off areas of life? Typically, the conversation begins to show up over and over in my life, and I become acutely aware that I am resisting the conversation or what others have to say. Also, when I become aware of feeling separated and alone, it is time to listen newly. One area in which I have altered my listening is in the area of business. My listening had been one of separation, selfishness, control, lack of empathy or compassion for human beings and the planet. Those businesses that did not fit my listening were simply “exceptions” to my evidence gathering. I began to see the impact of my conversations, my lack of listening, and my opinions on others, and the impact my resistance had on my life. To sum it up, any business conversations brought upset. I have done lots of work to find and upgrade my young conversations in this area. As a result, in October 2013, I started my own business. That would never have happened had I not begun to listen newly. This also demonstrates how I give credibility to my listening – when I or others take new actions that were not going to happen, then I know my listening has provided a contribution.
Listening for connection is my way of listening as contribution, providing a space for others to see beyond themselves and be inspired to participate and contribute in life in their unique ways.
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