A friend asked me recently, “What is ego?” We had been discussing ego, identity, the realm of self, self-actualization and the like. As usual, I had a long, drawn-out answer attempting to explain my interpretation of “ego.” We looked up an overview of Freud’s Id, Ego and Superego as we discussed the psychology of the ego. It still seemed murky and undistinguished.
The next morning I awoke at 5 am, and the simplicity of ego hit me – it’s the thing that makes everything about me! I’m not overly concerned with where it comes from, exactly how it gets formed, or in which part of the brain it resides. Although those aspects are fascinating to me and informative, ultimately, what’s important to me is the impact on myself and my relationships with other people when my ego takes over. Now, ego seems to be part of what has us survive as individuals and as a species. That is certainly important on the geological scale. However, I see ego also as what keeps us separated from each other. When everything is about me, I have no space for you in my life and no space for being connected with you. The irony is that my ego wants to be known! Yet another cannot know it when there is no space, no mechanism for true connection. Then throw in your ego making everything about you while mine is making everything about me. What a vicious cycle that is!
What’s possible other than ego? Is there another way for humans to be and to interact? There have been many books written on the subject, many philosophies, many workshops developed on this topic. And we have many examples from history that may point to something else being possible. Some would say the great religious figures such as Jesus of Nazareth, the Islamic prophet Muhammad, and the Buddha transcended the ego. There are also examples in our own time – Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Mahatma Gandhi, and Nelson Mandela all expressed lives that may be from something other than ego.
What is it to transcend the ego? I don’t claim to know the answers on this. I will share my experiences as I discover ego and what may be transcendence of the ego.
At age 39 in 2009, I was in the midst of self-turmoil. I was unhappy in my life, dissatisfied with life and work, disconnected from others and in search of a life purpose. My search for purpose began when I was 5 or 6 years old. Part of that search I believe was an authentic expression and inquiry from the spirit/self/soul, and some of that was from the ego. I was raised Catholic and learned early on that my life should be for others. I’m sure my ego sucked that up. I also decided very early on in life that my life worth was based on what I did in the world. And so I searched. I thought I had found my life purpose when I was 20 – I was going to end war with alternative energy! At age 36, after 14 years in that pursuit, I became deeply disillusioned and spent the next 3.5 years in the grips of and at the mercy of the turmoil. Not a very powerful place to be. The details of this part of my life are the stuff of another article. In the spring of 2009, I met a woman at a United Way social event. She told me about her experience with The Landmark Forum. I was intrigued. When I participated in The Landmark Forum weekend in January 2010, my life began to change. I began to see how my ego operates, and I discovered what so many people already knew about me and that I had refused to see – I lived in a world of right and wrong, of moral judgment and righteousness. I am so compelled to be right – to have the correct answer, to make the morally correct move – that I would actually make up answers to things I didn’t know because my ego was so threatened by saying “I don’t know.” And here I thought I was such an honest person. I assert it is my ego that always had to be right.
Another aspect I discovered is that all I wanted was to belong, to be connected to other people, to be loved. And then I discovered that I had made up rules about what love is! No one could live up to my rules, so from my point of view, no one really loved me. No wonder I had been depressed since I was 12 years old! I (or my ego) created the separation, the block to everyone else’s expression of love, and I was right about it! It took me until the summer of 2011 to discover that I had created my own blocks to love and that it had nothing to do with anyone else. After that I began looking for how people express their love. What a different experience of life that has given me!
Back to ego and what else is possible. When my ego is running the show (so to speak), it’s all about me. When I can identify that I’m making it all about me, I can see something else – I can be connected to another human being without fear for my survival. When I experience being connected to another being, I find the desires, needs and fears of the ego are quieted – disappear even – and I am in the presence of energy, beauty, goodness and truth. I am in the presence of life. I become a channel, a vessel for life itself, and life then calls me forward into action. It is a space of wonder and awe, a space of belonging and love, while being in conversations and doing the things of life. All I have to do to be in that space is to recognize when I’m making something all about me – and that gives me many opportunities to move from ego into connection.
What would life be like if all of humanity had that ability and chose it? I assert we all have the ability. We just may need some guidance to discover it. And then what could we do as a species if we chose to live from connection?